Mein Banff: Lib Dem Paddy Ashdown savages Alex Salmond book by calling it 'literary masturbation', the first rule of writing political porn, make it sexy, what does Salmond do, he sticks a picture of large knob on the front cover, what’s that all about!

Dear All

Scotland’s ‘jolly fat man’ Alex Salmond lost the Scottish independence referendum, while his two year campaign went on, he kept a record of the less than historic event which he has now turned into a book. 

Of course when you do a bit of scribbling you leave yourself open to other people looking at your work and forming their own opinions.

Everyone it seems is a budding critic!

Judging by the online comments I have seen, Alex Salmond’s book called “The Dream Will Never Die: 100 Days that Changed Scotland Forever” isn’t going to win any prizes.

On the critic front, Lord Ashdown, the former Liberal Democrat leader has entered the fray and said Salmond's account of the independence referendum campaign is the most self-congratulatory book in political history.

On a technical level, Salmond had a better operational campaign in comparison to the Better Together campaign.

Where it all went completely pear shaped was content, everything he and unpopular Nicola Sturgeon did in terms of strategic thinking was total bollocks and half arsed!

It seemed to me that Salmond thought that a ‘jolly fat man’ persona coupled with fake promises of nirvana would swing the vote. Detail replaced by spin, vision replaced by vacuum, and substance replaced by fables.     

Lord Ashdown has decided to pull no punches in his views of Alex Salmond’s book which he says is “longest exercise in literary masturbation since politics began”.

Politics is one of the oldest professions, next to prostitution and both have something in common, one day you have to retire because no one wants to buy what you are selling.

In Scotland ‘pulling your pud’ can have a therapeutic effect, however, given over 2 million Scots took Alex Salmond hard up the political rear end  on the 18^th September 2014, it isn’t surprising that some of his body parts need a rest.

Like his brain. 

Alex Salmond convincingly lost the referendum by a huge majority; it wasn’t even close as the Nationalists would have you believe. The Yes side rather than having a convincing argument fell back on a racist anti English campaign which effectively said the Tories in England were to blame for all ills and woes of Scots. If you got conned into voted Yes by that racist campaign pushed by some people on the Yes side, you are probably feeling unclean now.  

Paddy Ashdown also attacks the book for what he describes as having a smug tone. Alex Salmond loves himself, he thinks he is smarter than he actually is; the truth is that he has no eye for detail, and his success is based on the failure of other parties who have lost their way. At certain times in history, political parties rise and fall, in the case of the SNP, they benefited from 2007 and the expenses scandal, that did for the Labour Party. When you don’t keep your house in order don’t be surprised when it collapses round your ears.

The former Liberal Democrat leader is in Scotland to attend the Scottish Lib Dem conference, among other things they will be talking about the party’s strategy for holding all 11 seats north of the Border. This won’t be an easy task which is why tactical voting is being flagged up to voters in Scotland.

During a briefing to the media Paddy Ashdown decided to change topic. On the way to the Conference, he had acquired a copy of Salmond’s book and said:

“I was reading Mr Salmond’s biography on the way up and it’s not very good, is it? It is in my view an extraordinary exercise in self-congratulation. I nearly said something else then. Come to think of it, actually … the longest exercise in literary masturbation”.

He then added:

“I speak not as a political leader in any way but just as a fellow author and critic.”

Lord Ashdown has written nine books, including a history of the French resistance; in contrast, 'literary masturbation' by Alex Salmond or ‘Mein Banff’ as some wags have decided to dub it is Alex Salmond’s first book.

And as anyone can tell you, if you want to be good at 'literary masturbation' you need a strong hand and plenty of ‘research material’ spread out so that you can mentally get the picture in your head. If you get writer’s block, don’t worry, just keep going and focus, once you ‘get in the zone’ you will be pleasantly surprised by how much you can get out of yourself. 'Literary masturbation' is best done at night with the curtains closed and others have gone to bed and a good wifi connection helps!

Clearly Lord Ashdown is less than impressed by 'literary masturbation' as are some other people, in one passage; Salmond tells a woman who is teary eyed that she should voted for independence. 

“I can’t wipe every tear from every person in the country. I just can’t”, opines Salmond, trying to portray himself as some kind of caring saviour of the masses.

But the reality is that he tried to screw everyone, but on the 18^th September rather than riding to success on the backs of Scottish voters, it was his turn face the ‘day of judgment’ over his weak economic case.

‘Mein Banff’ is available to buy if you are gullible enough to fork out the cash, failing that you may opt for the cheaper option and read it or look at the pictures at a book store or library.

The book maybe of particular interest to a certain section of the community as it has a picture of a large knob on the front cover.

Yours sincerely

George Laird

The Campaign for Human Rights at Glasgow University